After years of covering stories about superpowered demigods, teenage vampire hunters, and intergalactic fox spirits (among many others), we thought nothing could surprise us anymore. Then we heard Winston Chu’s story.
Winston’s ongoing struggle against what he calls “the Whimsies” is so unlike anything we’ve ever read that we truly had no choice but to invite Winston himself to explain what exactly is going on with his life. But as you read on, consider taking what this kid says with a huge grain of salt. We’re not saying that he’s suffering from a head injury, but…well, you can judge for yourself.
IT ALL STARTED WITH A PIE
“Pro tip: Unless you’re an expert, do not skateboard down the streets of San Francisco while carrying a pie. Especially if it’s a gift for your mom. You never know when a squirrel is going to fall from a tree and cause you to faceplant. And, according to the unspoken laws of the universe, as soon as a pie is airborne, there’s only one place it can land: directly in someone’s face.
“But if you’re as lucky as I am, your pie will inadvertently interrupt a couple of would-be burglars who are casing a shop you’ve never noticed before (even though it’s right next to your favorite boba place). And if you’re really lucky, the shop owner will thank you for your good deed by inviting you to come in and choose any item to take home for free. The only rule: ‘The first item you touch will be the item you choose. There are no givebacks.’
“Another pro tip: This is the part where you walk away and go straight home.”
“The store I’m talking about is called Mr. Pang’s Whimsies, by the way. I doubt you’ve ever heard of it, and you won’t be able to find it because, according to all public records, the space has been abandoned since 1980. To make things even weirder, the store is much, much bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Oh, and it smells like popcorn. And it’s guarded by Marshmallow Peeps.
“Just ask my friends and they’ll confirm everything I’m telling you about Mr. Pang and his store. The man is five feet tall and wears a floor-length Chinese jacket and an orange Adidas headband. If that’s not enough to make him stand out in a crowd, you may also be able to identify him by his pet Javan green magpie. (Come to think of it, I never saw him and the bird in the same room at the same time….)
“Still, however strange as this all sounds, it’s nothing compared to the items that are actually on sale within the store.”
“Here are just a few of the thousands of items I came upon inside Mr. Pang’s Whimsies:
-A ukulele covered in fur
-A trio of “ask me anything” Beethoven busts
-A pair of red cowboy boots
-A china doll with unnervingly lifelike eyes
-A realistic-looking slice of pizza on a wire stick (It smelled like cheese and everything!)
-‘Eggs of truth’
-‘Far-seeing glass eyeballs’
– A black run-a-mile tracksuit, with its formfitting leggings and zippered sweatshirt decorated with gold sequins
-A retro Luke Skywalker trading card that must have been worth at least a grand
“As for what I actually left the store with? A lowly broom and a dustpan.”
“So, Mr. Pang’s pet bird that I mentioned earlier? She flew around like crazy, crashed into something, fell to the floor, and rolled under a shelf. So naturally, I grabbed the closest broom I could find to try to get her out…
“Remember: ‘The first item you touch will be the item you choose. There are no givebacks.’ Bummer, right?
“It gets worse. Ever since I brought the broom and dustpan home, things in my life have started to go missing. My keychain, my soccer jersey, even my goldfish Lucky are MIA. And I’m worried that it’s only a matter of time until I lose something—or someone—completely irreplaceable.
“And no matter how hard I try to get rid of the broom and dustpan, they keep showing up again!
“I’m telling you, I think there’s more to these Whimsies than meets the eye. It’s like they have minds of their own. Because when my friends and I tried to return to the store a second time, we were attacked by the flying pizza! I know I sound like I’m a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but you have to believe me!”
Okayyyyy, we’ve heard quite enough from Winston for now. To be honest, he lost us at “fuzzy ukulele.”
But if you want to hear more of Winston’s clearly unhinged ramblings—er, we mean compelling tale—and learn more about the secrets of the Whimsies, be sure to pick up Winston Chu vs. the Whimsies by Stacey Lee!
